Excerpt from Life’s Surrender: Countess Nadine Tolstoy, Disciple of Avatar Meher Baba

The following excerpts are from the recently published Life’s Surrender: Countess Nadine Tolstoy, Disciple of Avatar Meher Baba by Christopher Wilson and Charles Haynes (Sheriar Foundation, 2025). Drawing on her unpublished private papers and articles that Nadine published during her lifetime, the book traces the deepening of Nadine’s relationship with Meher Baba, from the moment of her recognition of Him as the Eternal Christ at their first meeting to a life shaped by love and surrender:

From Chapter 1, Miracle of Love: Nadine and Her Beloved:

Nadine’s spiritual autobiography reaches its high point when her long search for a master culminates in her first meeting with Meher Baba on November 19, 1931, at Harmon-on-the-Hudson in New York. She had been invited by her friend Malcolm Schloss, who with his wife, Jean Adriel, owned the North Node bookstore in Manhattan, specializing in spiritual literature. A recurring theme in people’s first meeting with Meher Baba is the immediate experience of familiarity. For example, when Elizabeth Patterson first laid eyes on Him during that same time in Harmon, “I tried to recall where I had seen him before. The feeling was one of familiarity, like meeting a friend in a foreign land – a friend whom one has known well, as at school, only since that earlier period the appearance has changed.” Similarly, Nadine felt she was not meeting someone new but was instead encountering the physical presence of one whom she had always known. Baba had “almost a boyish look, but gazing from high and afar, unfathomably deep, yet smiling with pure light in his shining eyes! He reminded me of something – of somebody I knew far off but could not catch the vision. I felt as if he were challenging my inner memory, and his whole posture and atmosphere was asking ‘Can’t you remember? Don’t you remember Me from the past?’”

Baba spelled out on His board: “It is long since you are waiting for Me. I will help you.” When Nadine began to tell Baba about herself, He interrupted, saying “I know all,” and simply repeated, “I will help you.” Nadine “felt His deep seeing eyes beyond that which we can see, reading that open book of me – working within me. He was my Master.”

From Chapter 3, Letters of Love: Correspondence with Meher Baba

In 1933, Nadine and her husband, Count Ilya Tolstoy, were living with friends, sometimes together, sometimes apart, at various places in New York and Connecticut. They had little money and depended on friends—some wealthy, and others who themselves were pinched for resources—to care for the Count as his illness progressed. By fall 1933, they were together in New Haven, Connecticut, where Nadine cared for Count Tolstoy until his death on December 11, 1934.

Letter from Nadine Tolstoy to Meher Baba, November 19, 1933:

New Haven, Conn.
104 Park St.

Beloved Baba!

Oh, if only no thoughts would ever enter my “Within” no world emotion would ripple the serene Oneness!

Steady aware in The One Love! To remain One in the face and regardless of all and everything – One – complete and unperturbed Within my heart of hearts! You are so close within me. Your love has opened my heart.

I found myself at the day of your blessings in London.

I found myself back and at home in the universe.

“Inaction in action”, mind unburdened, heart alive with Love.

My heart felt recently pierced with Love and it brought recognition of the inexpressible experience of ease, of bliss, of finding Oneself. I am so easily merged in Oneness with You – within me.

May that remain, steady, constant.

You are my all – Beloved Christ Baba!

Thy will be fulfilled within me and in everything I do – I try my best to feel It!

Your Love is helping me beautifully doing wonders in every way…

Beloved Baba – You know what and why – so Thy will be done for the good of us all!

I cannot and will not ask you anything – You know, and you are all to me! May my heart remain One, true constantly to thee alone…

Love endless to my One and all from your own Nadia.

Letter from Meher Baba to Nadine Tolstoy, December 1933:

Meherabad
Ahmednagar
December 1933

Dearest Nadia –

Your beautiful letter has delighted Me. Nothing pleases me so much as the thought that you love Me and live for My love. The vicissitudes of life, and all the varied experiences of ups-and-downs, are but the means to an end—the preparation for a goal to humanity. You understand it, and understanding it, stand it all, with patience and forbearance that are really creditable. I understand and appreciate it all—and love you all the more for that. Remember, dearest Nadia, all these sufferings and trials bring you nearer to Me, every moment, which is the only thing I desire of you, and My dearest ones. You know I am always with you, wherever you are, whatever happens. And rest assured, one day, you will realize the fruit of all this that you have suffered, and see Me as I really am, and merge in Me, the goal for which you aspire for years. Your love for Me, increasing every day, will enable you to achieve the end soon. My love and spiritual help will ever push you onwards in your efforts to attain the goal and realize the dream of your life. Till then you are to struggle and strive after it, as persistently, as steadfastly, and as lovingly as you have done until now.

And rest assured, I shall always be there to help you in your spiritual march upwards.

All My love –

MS Irani